


I Can See You in the Stars

by hellapunkrock



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: General Leia mention, M/M, Mentioned Shara Bey, Minor Jessika Pava/Rey, Mourning, i don't know tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 06:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8962879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellapunkrock/pseuds/hellapunkrock
Summary: There were two ways Poe Dameron knew it was the anniversary of his mother’s death.





	

There were two ways Poe Dameron knew it was the anniversary of his mother’s death.

The first was when his dad called him early in the morning. It wouldn’t be at the usual weekly time and after Poe answered, his dad would be crying.

“You remind me of her so much, son.” He would say after a few minutes of silence. In which Poe had sat down in the small space between his desk and the wall. BB-8 would roll up to him and just stay close, in case Poe needed something real to grab.

Kes and Poe Dameron would exchange their favorite stories about her until the suns were high in the sky and Poe’s eyes were red and his knuckles were white from holding onto BB-8 so tightly. Poe would hang up and compose himself for the rest of the day. There were only two people on base that he would cry in front of and only in private.

Jessika Pava, who always went out of her way to make him feel better on this day and any other day, and General Leia, who reminded Poe too much of his mother. He tried to avoid the General, but she always ended up cornering him and wishing him her sincerest condolences. He would give her a teary-eyed salute before walking to the bathroom to compose himself.

The second way he knew was when he walked into the mess hall. Poe could never remember the exact date, in all honesty he didn’t want to. If he knew it was coming he would be miserable the whole week. But everyone else on base seemed to remember. The second he came into the mess hall all eyes would be on him, waiting to see if he could keep himself together. He didn’t blame them, they only wanted to help. But when they all turned, the same look of pity and sadness in their faces, it made him even more determined to keep a good mood. He would cry later when his father called, but not in front of the men and women who laid down their lives for him time and time again. So he’ll shine his brightest smile and greet everyone as he usually does. He’ll sit at his usual table and talk to his friends until he can’t bear the attention anymore.

He’ll turn to everyone and say, “Who wants to hear a story?”

And he’ll regale them with the best Shara Bey stories he can think of. He tells them of her daring missions working under the Rebellion, that she was the best pilot in the galaxy (and he’ll drop his voice and stage whisper, “Even better than Luke Skywalker,”), and of how great of a mom she was. These are the ones that almost catch him, the ones that almost bring him to tears. But BB-8 will be there to give him a tiny shock to remind him where he was. He’ll talk for at least an hour, before he tells everyone to get on with their daily assignments.

When he goes to check his own all it says is, “Rest.”

Poe curses the General under his breath and heads out to work on his X-Wing. His mother was the one who taught him most of the basics to flying and maintaining an X-Wing.

On the rare occasion Poe was honest with himself, he would admit that he could only remember her face when he was among the stars. This was something he had never said aloud, too scared to admit that when he was on solid ground he couldn’t remember the color of his mother’s eyes. He told Jess once, in tears and distraught, that he could only truly remember the day his mother died and the lessons she had taught him. His most vivid memory was being told by the doctor that he wouldn’t see his mom again. How he had taken that as a challenge. He was only seven, he didn’t understand death. He wandered the hospital until he found the room she was in.

The cloth they had covered her body in was soaked red. Her face was scratched up, but still recognizable. He didn’t scream. He just walked up to her and held her hand. He remembered that it was cold. He remembered thinking that if he held it long enough, it would warm up and she might wake up. That’s how his father found him, fifteen minutes later. He was standing vigil beside her, face dry, intent on warming her body by the power of love.

“Oh sweetheart.” Kes said and Poe turned, still not letting go, “She’s not going to wake up, Poe.”

That’s when he began to cry.

When he finished confessing this to Jess they were both in tears. She was holding his hand as tightly as he had held his mother’s. He squeezed her hand as she let him cry. BB-8 was a solid presence pushing against his leg. The pain of that memory hadn’t felt so overwhelming in that moment.

This year, Poe’s father called him at four in the morning. Poe slept on the outside of the bed, so it was easy to get up without waking Finn. He took the call as he walked out of the room, BB-8 following him sadly. Poe walked out onto the tarmac and passed his X-Wing. He had prepped her last night, a feeling in his gut that he would need to. He walked into the forest as his father cried on the line next to him. Poe found himself a small space between two trees and sat. BB-8 rolled up beside him and nudged himself under Poe’s arm. Poe stroked BB-8 absent mindedly as his dad began to speak.

“Your mother would have been so mad that you joined the Resistance.” He said. Poe had heard this before, but he answered as if he didn’t.

“Why?” He said.

“She wouldn’t have wanted you to be captured, she would’ve known you were too lucky to be killed. It would have broken her heart to receive a letter about you being missing in action.”

“I’m sorry you had to get it.” Poe said, tugging BB-8 closer.

“Don’t you apologize. I’m just telling you why she would have had a conniption at the thought of you joining. But she would have been so proud of you, son.”

The first of the tears fell down Poe’s cheeks, “I know, Dad.”

They shared the silence for a few moments, Poe scrubbing at his eyes with the coat he had picked up as he walked out. It was the one he had given to Finn. It smelled like him now, Poe noticed as he wiped his tears on it.

“Did I ever tell you about the time your mother single-handedly saved the whole Rebellion?” Kes Dameron asked, knowing the answer. He told this story every year, and every year Poe responded as if he had never heard it before.

This year, Poe said, “Yes, but tell me again, please.” He didn’t want to fake it anymore.

Kes took a deep breath of composure before beginning, “So your mother was a bit of a rogue…”

When Poe finally made it back to the base, his eyes were dry and BB-8 told him he looked normal, if a little dirty from the woods. Poe got back to his and Finn’s room to find it empty. Poe just showered quickly and headed to get breakfast with BB-8 following close behind.

While Poe was talking to his dad, Finn was talking to Rey.

“Poe is never up before me. It’s a wonder if he’s even up in time for breakfast. But this morning he was gone before the sun rose. That’s weird right?” Finn asked for the fifth time.

“Yes Finn, it’s a bit weird. But he’s an adult and he can take care of himself. I’m sure if he’s bothered by something he’ll come and talk to you.” Rey said, also for the fifth time.

“What if he’s hurt? Or missing?” Finn began again, before Rey could even take another bite.

“Didn’t you say BB-8 was with him?” Rey asked, resigned to abandon her breakfast.

“Well, yes.” Finn said.

“Then BB-8 would comm the base if anything was wrong. Now finish your breakfast. Poe isn’t the only one with stuff to be doing today.” Rey said, gesturing to Finn’s untouched plate.

Poe and Finn almost missed each other as Poe headed to the mess hall. Poe was talking quickly to BB-8, looking down, and ran straight into Finn.

“Are you okay?” Finn and BB-8 both said, Finn holding a hand out to help him back up.

“Yeah I’m good, buddy. Just surprised me is all.” Poe said, looking to the floor.

Finn looked questioningly at him. This would be where Poe would usually make a joke about falling for Finn again. But Poe just stood there, lost in his thoughts.

“Have you had breakfast?” Rey asked Poe.

Poe looked confused for a second, before saying, “No, not yet. I was on my way.”

This confused Finn even more. If Poe had been up all this time and hadn’t had breakfast yet, what was he doing.

“We’ll go with you.” Rey offered, and this got a reaction out of Poe.

“No, it’s okay. You guys go ahead. I’ll be fine.” He said too quickly. Both Rey and Finn noticed BB-8 bumping Poe’s leg. This piqued Rey’s interest. BB-8 hadn’t done that before. It was surprisingly human, like an elbow to the ribs. This convinced Rey something was up with Poe.

“We have nothing to be doing anyway. Let’s go.” Finn said, grabbing Poe’s hand and leading him into the mess hall. Rey heard BB-8 beep something softly that sounded worried. She sighed as she followed them into the mess hall.

The reaction was immediate. Everyone in the hall turned to stare as they walked in, and they continued to stare as Poe unconsciously straightened up and got his food. Rey asked BB-8 what was up, but BB-8 just told her to ask Poe. Rey wasn’t extremely close to Poe, so she wouldn’t be able to do that. She’d look into it later. Poe sat ramrod straight and ate his food in a hurry. As soon as he was done everyone looked at him expectantly. They were expecting Poe to begin his stories but instead he apologized and rushed out of the room, without saying goodbye to Finn or Rey. BB-8 hurried after him and Finn looked like he was about to as well before Jessika Pava walked up to their table.

“I’ll go. I’ll come find you when he’s ready to talk about it.” She said, not giving anything away as she walked out of the room in the direction Poe had gone.

“That was weird.” Finn and Rey said at once.

Poe Dameron couldn’t keep himself together. Not in front of Finn and Rey. He couldn’t light-heartedly tell stories about his mother while neither one of them had a mother. He couldn’t take the look of wonder on their faces as he spoke about her, then have to tell them she was dead. It was easier when everyone knew, but they would want to know more. They would want to meet her. Poe choked back a sob as he reached his X-Wing. Poe wanted nothing more than to be able to introduce Finn to his mother. He sat down on the ladder and put his head in his hands thinking of how much his mother would have loved Finn.

Jess finds him like that, with BB-8 wedged between his legs and trying to keep his crying silent. She stood next to him and rested her hand on his shoulder. Poe wasn’t usually a hug guy, unless it came to Finn, but he certainly didn’t mind any other kind of physical contact. So when he wiped his eyes and held out his hand, Jess didn’t hesitate to take it. This was what he needed and it was the least she could do. They stayed there in silence for a while, before Poe confessed what made him leave in such a hurry.

Jess stood next to him silently after he had finished. He knew she wasn’t judging him, just thinking over everything and figuring out what to say.

She squeezed his hand and said, “Go. Fly as far and as long as you need. But when you come back, talk to Finn. He’s worried about you.”

Poe nodded and looked at her. The way he was sitting, she seemed taller than him. Her shoulders were set, her feet apart, and her other hand by her side. She was standing guard for him. This almost sent him into more tears before she squeezed his hand again before letting go.

“Go.” She said. BB-8 chirped and loaded up.

“Thank you Jess,” Poe said, standing up.

“Tell her hi for me.” Jess said as Poe climbed in. He saluted her and she saluted back. As he was taking off he could have sworn she was still watching him.

When he was amongst the stars he turned the comms off between him and everyone but BB-8. The emergency comm was on as well, but in his many years working for the Resistance, it had never been used.

Then he began to talk. He spoke to his mother in the stars and told her all about Finn, the beautiful boy who saved his life when he was captured by Kylo Ren. He relayed Jess’s greeting and updated her on Jess’s life as well. How she was dating Rey, the other new person on D’Qar. He spoke about Rey for a while before eventually coming back to Finn.

“You would love him mom. And he would love you. Dad wants to meet him soon, so I’m thinking about taking him home. I’m going to show him your tree. Did you know he’s force sensitive? That’s what General Leia is saying. Maybe the tree could do something other than emit a good aura for once.”

After another hour of so of Poe speaking to the stars, he said goodbye. He cherished the image of his mother’s face one last time before coming back down. He radioed in to let them know he was flying in, and not to shoot him down or anything. The landing platform workers laughed and assured him that they would recognize his ship well enough not to shoot him down.

Poe got out of his X-Wing and BB-8 helpfully reminded him that Friend-Jessika had recommended talking to Friend-Finn. Poe nodded and prepared himself mentally. He sent Pava a message asking her to make sure Rey was somewhere with her, and to explain his weirdness to her. He promised her nicer souvenirs from the next flight he took and added in that his mother would have said hi. Jess didn’t need the bribe to do Poe this favor, but she knew this was more for his pride than anything. She agreed and met Rey and Finn trying to sneak into the archives.

“Hey guys. What are we up to today?” She asked, casually.

They both jumped and looked at the floor.

Rey was the first to own up, explaining that they were trying to figure out what was up with Poe and that maybe something would show up in the archives.

Pava just smiled and said, “If it were that easy, I would be in the archives for the rest of my life trying to figure out the enigma that is Poe Dameron. As it happens, he would like to speak to Finn in your room.”

Finn looked like he was about to be scolded for doing something wrong before Jess added, “He doesn’t know about this. He just wants to talk.”

“Oh,” Finn, bless his heart, looked relieved. He headed toward his and Poe’s room and Jess faced Rey.

“And Poe asked me to tell you about today. I don’t think he could take telling more than one person, so I’ll give you the rundown. Just know that I can’t and won’t tell you everything and may not be able to answer questions. Most of this should come from Poe, if ever.” Jess explained, leading the way back to her own room.

Rey nodded solemnly, knowing that Poe’s trust was more important than Rey knowing everything she wanted to.

When Finn got to their room, Poe was already sitting on the floor. BB-8 was sat next to him, ready to play a holovid or provide comfort.

Poe managed a weak smile as Finn sat next to him silently. He tapped BB-8. who flashed a photo of a woman onto the projector screen.

“This is Shara Bey, the best pilot there ever was,” Poe began, holding tightly onto Finn’s hand. Poe wouldn’t let go until long after he was finished. Poe didn’t, couldn’t tell Finn everything. Some things he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone for a while, some things were just between him and Jess. But Poe told Finn a few extra stories he didn’t tell Jess, didn’t deem important when he spoke to her. But when he told them to Finn, they seemed crucial.

When he was done both of them were crying. They stayed on that place on the floor, and for once Poe didn’t back himself into his corner, with BB-8 to protect him from the open world. He sat there, Finn on one side, BB-8 on the other, and for a second, he could see his mother’s face again. She looked proud.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading.


End file.
